Subject: A Rough Night

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays
until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is
extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.

When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes
off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the
stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That
wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint
bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up
his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he
checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut
up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the
circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he
was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when
his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night,"
she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied.
"You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning
and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. What
majestic trees! What powerful rivers!
What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a
rustling in the bushes.
Turning to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging
towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over
his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on
him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to
run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear
raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

It was then that bright light shone upon the man and a
voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my
existence for all of these years, teach others I don't
exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.

Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked
directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of
me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now,
but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. And
the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and
spoke,

"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and
for which I am truly thankful."

da*n CHECKING ACCOUNT

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the
woman at the window,
"I want to open a da*n checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir.
I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, da*n it. I said I want to open a da*n
checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not
tolerated in this bank."

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank
manager to inform him of her situation.

The manager agrees that the teller does not have to
listen to that foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks
the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem
here?"

"There is no da*n problem," the man says. I just won
$200 million bucks in the da*n lottery and I want to put my da*n money in
this da*n bank."

"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving
you a hard time?"