The Nuke City Inquirer
~Nuke City's Public Watchdog~
((-A parody of the widely-popular Nuke City Informant))-
Police One-Liners to be Mandated
article/editorial by Sullivan Briar, NC Inquirer Police Expert
NCPD Crime Scene
For some cities, townships, and backwoods areas, rural country places and Suburban neighborhoods where the white picket fences outnumber the Police barricades and crime scene tape, the subject of this article may seem alien-- nay, even moot. But to the readers of the Nuke City Inquirer, it is more than that, it is commonplace, reality. The grim reality we all face. The subject, of course, is Police 'One-Liners,' the morbid and disgraceful punchlines to the countless casualties of Gang Warfare, Homicide, Domestic Abuse, and the Irish.
"Oh, sure, it's always been that way around here," says a local Police Detective, who will remain anonymous to avoid bashing from his partners in law enforcement. "It's gotten to be a real problem, but nobody sees it that way on the Force; you get to a crime scene, and if the senior Detective doesn't have something witty to say, he can kiss his [explicative] promotion good-bye. And may god help the mother-[explicative] if he forgot his sunglasses at home."
That's right. Not only is it a frequent reality, now, it's going to be a requirement for the Detective's Exam. Course number 14 on the new, 'back to basics' crash course in Police Procedural Mentality, 'Post-Mortem Humor 101' has taken it's place alongside controversial classes like 'Kevlar and Sex Appeal,' 'Rodney King: A Lesson in Criminology (or 'How it's Done in the Hood),' 'Interrogation with Extreme Prejudice,' and many, many more.
A Senior NCPD Spokesperson has assured the Inquirer that, quote, "No light is being made of the situations we face-- while both serious and professional, our Officers simply wish to maintain a certain amount of awesomeness. It's that kind of bad-assery that keeps our force together... and keep in mind, [The NCPD] has to compete with Miami, with New York, and with Las Vegas on the National level-- this is no joke, this is serious, serious business." The Spokesperson went on to state that no light was made of any crime that wasn't blatantly Ironic, or darkly humorous, quote, "Along the lines of an old woman being mauled to death by kittens, or a telemarketer being kicked to death in the testicles. Again, and again. And again."
For my part, I shun you, Detective Low-Brow. I shun you and your shenanigans.